Reed. God. Borders.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Other times, they just happen out of pure spite.


Dios:                       Your face!
Richard:                 Well that’s a bit mean
Dios:                    I meant when the Mexican border bitch told you to piss off back to Guatemala. And then you said ‘what you going to do, call the police?” Brilliant. What was her reply again?
Richard:                 Urghh! I don’t know why we have to go through this. She said ‘yes I will call the police’
Dios:                       That’s right, wonderful! If I had eyes, they’d be welling up
Richard:                 Mine can do that for you. So what did I do to you, exactly?
Dios:                       Oh don’t be so melodramatic, I’m just messing. Your trip until Guatemala was fine, right?
Richard:                 Well Ecuador was a bit shit actually, and that motorbike incident in Paraguay
Dios:                       Ahh piffle. Anyway, your car arrived in Guatemala didn’t it?
Richard:                 Well, yes. The agencies lied to me and it cost me four times more than it should, it arrived five days late, took a week for documentation, and the shipyard broke the radiator, handbrake and stole a load of tools
Dios:                       Should have paid more money to put it in a shipping container
Richard:                 I did!
Dios:                      Yeah, I know! I am such a kidder! Anyway, got a surprise for you. You know that Mexican/Guatemalan border, the one you’re scared of because of the drug running and stuff?
Richard:                 Is the surprise that the border only opens from 9 to 5? Because I read that already
Dios:                     Well yes, 9 to 5, but on both sides. 5pm in Guatemala is 6pm in Mexico. Oh, and you’ll need a bank guarantee for the car, at an actual bank at the Mexican side, not just a credit card swipe
Richard:                 But surely if I enter at one side they’ll let me through on the other?
Dios:                       Ish. The passport office is open until 6pm. Guess when the bank closes?
Richard:                 Erm . . . same time as the border closes?
Dios:                       Ha! Good one. No, it closes at 5pm in Mexico, which in Guatemalan time is 4pm
Richard:                 But that would be ridiculous! If I just make the Guatemalan border before closing at 4.40pm then . . .
Dios:                     You’ll be stuffed because although Mexico will stamp your passport, they won’t let you come in with your vehicle. Hilarious! Haven’t told you the best bit yet - I’m going to take a photo of you on this one – guess when the bank will open?
Richard:                 Well it’s Sunday now, so Monday morning?
Dios:                   Tuesday! I know, right! Ha ha ha Your face!!! So with Mexico refusing you, you’ll have to stay in that dodgy Guatemala border-town. Course on your way back through from Mexico the Guatemalan border will be closed so they will be pissed off at giving you a re-entry, and won’t give you documentation for your car
Richard:                 Hang on, so if I do get back across the Guatemalan border and try go anywhere else . . ?
Dios:                      You’ll be arrested for flaunting the rules of not having the right paperwork. Oh, and guess where I’ve put the nearest bank? Half an hour drive away! I had a good chuckle at that
Richard:                 Jesus Christ! I mean, sorry . . .  but this is mental!
Dios:                      Did I tell you about the border town? It’s brilliant, you’ll hate it. No phone reception, electricity goes off at 10pm until 8am so no air-con and it gets absolutely steaming at night! Also, piss poor wifi, ants in the rooms, and remember you don’t have any money to pay for it anyway!
Richard:                 You’ve completely shagged me!
Dios:                   That bank bit was a stroke of genius. Anyway, got to dash, I have some puppies going to an orphanage on Christmas Day that I want to accidentally euthanize. Sleep well, fu**er!